Suzanne Somers’ Boobs + THE Best Vegan Burger Recipe for Meat Eaters


My parents were hippies and they didn’t want my young brain filled with TV.

So I listened to movies and stories on vinyl. Annie was my all time fave and The Velveteen Rabbit made me cry each and every time. I painted rocks that I’d later sell to my neighbors. I played hide and seek outside until dark with my best friend, and if I was lucky my mom or dad would bring me home an Archie comic book.

On my super lucky days it would be a double digest.

We eventually got a black and white TV in the early 90’s and the screen was exactly 5 inches.

It had a lengthy pair of bunny ears attached to the top of it and it got one channel that sort of came in if I held the TV up towards one of our windows. This was a chore because even though the screen was only 5 inches, the fucker was heavy.

If the channel came in clear enough on Friday night, my mom would let me watch TGIF (Thank God It’s Friday), a string of sitcoms that aired on Fridays. Perfect Strangers, Full House, Family Matters and Step by Step. Holy hell, did I love Friday nights!

So what if the tiny black and white picture had lines through it and the sound went in and out. I was entertained without having to do a damn thing.

It was brilliant.

Before we got the 5-incher, it was pretty much drought city up in the TV department.

There were four times a year that I could veg out in front of the coveted box, and I waited for these occasions all year long as if they were Christmas morning.

1. My uncle’s house
We visited him once a year and I would stay in his basement for as many hours and days as my mom would allow, binging on VHS after VHS.

The Breakfast Club, Adventures in Babysitting, Sixteen Candles, Crocodile Dundee, Back to the Future, The Goonies, ET, Pretty in Pink, Dirty Dancing….is there ANYTHING better than movies from the 80’s?

I think not.

My marathon would last our entire trip. Fuck the zoo, screw bowling, pooh pooh the water park, I wanted John Hughes and I wanted a lot of it.

2. My mom’s aunt’s house
She was surly, but she had cable, so I was always game for a visit.

My great aunt never had kids and I don’t think she really knew what to do with them. This worked out in my favor because the extent my visit was her putting a towel over her Lazy Boy to protect it from “kid”, handing me the TV remote and telling me not to make a mess.

From there I had free reign.

I would go through all the channels, write down what was showing on each, and then decide what to watch. By the time I decided on what I would indulge in, the show would be over and I would have to start the process all over again.

It didn’t matter though, the possibilities were endless, and I was in heaven. My best show, the one worthy of halting all my browsing, was Three’s Company.

The first time I watched it, I knew that one day I would live in California, and I also knew that I really liked looking at Suzanne Somers boobs. I remember wondering if it was normal for girls to be so pleased looking at boobs. Normal or not, I loved them.

3. My neighbor’s house
My neighbor didn’t have cable, but he did have about 6 channels that came in clear and they were in COLOR. So when my mom cleaned his house once a year in preparation for his mom and dad’s yearly visit, I knew I had a good window to get in some screen time.

My mom would clean his house for 5 days in a row, from 9am to noon. I never felt right about going with her to veg out while she cleaned. That would have been be an asshole move.

I always asked her if she needed help, and then I would be selective about the jobs I would take on.

I only did the jobs that I could do in the living room, where conveniently, the TV was located. I would also make the super helpful suggestion that any living room vacuuming should probably wait until after 11:00am.

This was when The Price Is Right and Family Feud were over and, the boring Soap Operas began.

4. Short stint at my sister’s house
There is a 17 year age gap between my oldest sister and I, so she was in and out of the the picture doing her own thing while I was growing up.

There was one particular period when I was 10 that she lived in the same little town as me, and every Thursday night was our date night. I would go over to her house, she would make us a Pour-A-Quiche and we’d watch Columbo.

I loved Thursday nights because POUR-A-QUICHE AND COLUMBO.

I anticipated going to my uncle’s, my great aunt’s, and my neighbor’s house each year, and I loved my Pour-A-Quiche Columbo dates.

But when it was time to come home, I couldn’t wait to take out my Annie album, place it gently on my dad’s record player, carefully put the needle on the outside edge of the black shiny album, and listen for that crackly worn vinyl sound before the narration began.

I would lay down, close my eyes and picture the scenes in my head.

In my head, Annie was always blonde.

During my second year of College I had a friend who helped me steal cable from my neighbor. It was the first time in my life I could watch whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to watch it.

I sat in front of my TV and “my” cable every chance I got for a month straight. And then I got sick of it and moved on to the art of drinking.

And that’s an entirely different post that I’ll save for another time.

As shitty as it was at times, I’m grateful to my parents for making the decision to be free of TV while I was growing up.

It made me use my imagination, it forced me to play and exercise, it helped build my connection to the outside, and it made me accept moments of boredom.

I also have zero memories of eating dinner in front of the television and a ton of memories of my mom and dad telling each other about their day and all of us laughing together while we ate dinner.

Suzanne Somers’ tits were great, but remembering the wagon wheel table at dinner time in the hippie house that I grew up in trumps any set of boobs (and that’s coming from a lesbian).

Let’s all start eating dinner with the people that we love at the table and turn off the screens and devices. Ideas might spark, we might learn something, and I guarantee that dinner will taste yummier.

If there’s someone special in your life who you really want to help eat better, but they’re being all “But I love meat and vegan food is gross. Join PETA and leave me alone.”, make them THIS vegan burger recipe and burger sauce, and then stack on their favorite fixings.

After they devour the entire thing, they won’t eat their words for dessert, they’ll lick them clean.

When they’re done eating, share your win with us over in our private Facebook group. 

Stupid Simple Bean Burgers with Garlic Paprika Burger Sauce

Author: Molly Patrick


  • 1 cup chopped red onion 130g
  • 4 garlic cloves minced
  • 1 red bell pepper, diced
  • one 15oz can black beans, drained and rinsed well
  • one 15oz can white beans, drained and rinsed well
  • 1 teaspoon coriander powder
  • 1 teaspoon cumin powder
  • 1 teaspoon chili powder
  • 1 teaspoon dried red chili flakes
  • ½ teaspoon salt
  • ¼ cup brown rice flour 35g

Garlic Paprika Burger Sauce

  • ¼ cup raw cashews, soaked in water for at least 10 minutes 30g
  • ¼ cup tahini 60g
  • 1 garlic clove, minced
  • ½ teaspoon 100% pure maple syrup
  • ½ teaspoon brown rice vinegar
  • ½ teaspoon smoked paprika
  • ½ teaspoon salt
  • ½ cup water 120ml


  • Pre-heat the oven to 350°f (175°c).
  • Heat a skillet over medium heat for 2 minutes and then add the onions. Cook for 5 minutes, stirring frequently and adding 1 tablespoon of water if they start to stick. Add a bit more necessary.
  • Add the garlic and red peppers and cook for an additional 4 minutes, stirring frequently, adding a little water if things start to stick.
  • Add the black and white beans, coriander powder, cumin powder, chili powder, red chili flakes and salt. Stir and cook for an additional 2 minutes.
  • Turn off the heat and transfer the mixture to a large mixing bowl. With a potato masher, mash the mixture just until the beans are mashed (they don’t have to be mashed all the way). Add the rice flour and stir until everything is combined.
  • Shape into 6 equal-sized patties and place on a parchment covered baking sheet. Place in the oven and bake for 20 minutes on one side, flip, and bake for another 20 minutes on the other side.

Make the Garlic Paprika Burger Sauce

  • Drain the cashews (discard the water) and place them in your blender, along with the tahini, garlic, maple syrup, rice vinegar, paprika, salt and water.
  • Blend on high until creamy and smooth.

Assemble Your Burger

  • Place a burger patty on a toasted bun or a pile of greens and top with your favorite toppings and plenty of Paprika Burger Sauce.

I hope you have the perfect week. May you dance naked without catching a cold (even if you live in the Southern Hemisphere. Those summer colds are a bitch).

Get a weekly dose of inspiration to eat more plants and celebrate imperfection

Our Sweary Saturday Love Letters are written by our ex-boozer, ex-smoker, plant-loving co-founder, Molly Patrick.


  1. Tee Bone on January 17, 2015 at 8:47 am

    Question: is the rice flour just used as a binder? If so could I maybe sub ground flax? I do not have rice flour & looking for a way to make these burgers because they look amazing.

    • Molly Patrick on January 17, 2015 at 9:14 am

      Hi Tee Bone -you are right!
      Rice flour is used as a binder. Ground flax would work too!
      Let me know how it turns out.

      • Crazy Flat Lady on August 22, 2017 at 10:50 am

        4 stars
        Awesome. I was about to ask the same question. Can’t use any flours now but a wee bit of coconut. Flax and Chia make for great binders!

        • Team Clean Food Dirty Girl on August 22, 2017 at 5:53 pm

          Glad that was helpful!

          Team Dirty Girl

  2. Dorothy on April 22, 2015 at 4:07 pm

    I made a batch to have at work in the freezer! I ate them all (not at one time) and now have to make another batch! I was skeptical at first but am now convinced…these burgers are the Bomb diggity!

    • Molly Patrick on April 28, 2015 at 9:20 pm

      Fuckin’ A – that’s what I’m talking about!


  3. samantha on May 4, 2015 at 7:40 am

    Yuuum! Looks delicious! I’m not partial to the taste of cumin or coriander, could you suggest any other spice options that would work?

    • Molly Patrick on May 4, 2015 at 8:03 am

      Hey Samantha – swap it out for garlic and onion powder!
      Let me know when you make it 🙂

      • samantha farrugia on May 4, 2015 at 7:08 pm

        I made it this evening, I did like you said andswapped the different spices and also used a flax egg instead of the powder but it was to wet and didn’t hold its burger form. No biggie it was still delicious! I froze two for next week! Thanks so much for the yummie recipe!!!!

        • Molly Patrick on May 4, 2015 at 7:38 pm

          Using brown rice flour makes them dryer so they hold together better. Using flax and water would definitely make them on the wet side. I’m glad you like them anyway!

  4. Treacy on March 22, 2016 at 1:32 pm

    I adore this fucking post! Thanks for bringing back the memories of basements and wacky relatives and the shit we only did at their houses!

  5. Angela on March 26, 2016 at 5:32 pm

    These burgers are so good! I used onion powder and garlic powder instead of the coriander and cumin. I also used spelt flour because it was what I had on hand. They held together so well. The sauce was excellent on them and added a delicious, subtle smokiness. These were easy and tasty enough that I will no longer buy the frozen veggie burgers. Thanks, Molly!

    • Molly Patrick on March 26, 2016 at 9:21 pm

      yayayayay! I love this update!
      Thank you for letting me know Angela.

  6. Moonie on April 19, 2016 at 2:13 pm

    Holy shit female…where the fuck have you been all my vegan life??? I love your recipes! I’m about to make these into cashew cheese stuffed juicy lucys!!!

  7. Amy on July 24, 2016 at 6:50 pm

    Hi Molly,

    What size are the cans of beans for this recipe? 425g? 400g?

    Thanks! So excited for this recipe 🙂

    • Molly Patrick on July 24, 2016 at 8:16 pm

      Hi Amy –
      425g is your guy!

  8. Liz on August 22, 2016 at 6:41 am

    Why did I wait so long to try this recipe?? The burgers are amazing, and the sauce is even better. I used less water so it is more like a spread, and took the leftover sauce/spread to put on some wasa and cuke rounds for the next day’s lunch. So freaking good. Thank you for putting this out in the world!

    • Molly Patrick on August 22, 2016 at 7:30 am


      Thank you for letting us know. I agree, that sauce is like a dream.

  9. Erica on September 12, 2016 at 7:51 am

    I made these today exactly to recipe except I only had almond flour. They didn’t hold 🙁 Any suggestions?

    • Molly Patrick on September 13, 2016 at 8:06 pm

      Hi Erica –
      You can always add more flour, but using the flour called for will help 🙂

  10. Terri on October 13, 2016 at 5:11 am

    Made this for dinner and it was amazeballs – easy and so delicious! so happy i found this site!!!


    • Clean Food Dirty Girl on October 13, 2016 at 6:15 am

      Hi Terri,

      Thanks for the love! 🙂

      Meghann- Team Dirty Girl

  11. Jamie on March 23, 2017 at 6:21 am

    I have made these before and they are AMAZING! I actually just want to make the sauce today but I don’t have any tahini….I actually won’t allow myself to buy tahini anymore because I end up making t-crack then eating it like a bowl of ice cream…..true story….please don’t judge. Anyway, should I just add more cashews or would it be better with sunflower seed butter? Thanks!!!

  12. Carla on July 22, 2017 at 4:34 pm

    Help!! I’m at Step 2 of the directions, which directs to cook the onions. I don’t see onions listed in the ingredients. Please post the type and amount of onions needed. Thank you in advance!!

  13. Sophie Rocheleau on August 3, 2017 at 6:35 am


    The onions are no longer listed in the ingredients list but they are in the instructions?

    Can anyone help?

    • Luanne Teoh on August 3, 2017 at 11:14 am

      Hey Sophie,
      Thank you for letting us know. This has been fixed. Take a look 🙂

  14. Crazy Flat Lady on August 22, 2017 at 10:54 am

    This is a good recipe! But I do take the Chia option for a binder not any flour. All my grains have to be no GMO and fermented and or sprouted first. No if’s ands or butts. Seeds and nuts need to be fermented/soaked as well for optimum bio availability. This wards off Round Up poisoning and all manner of gut ailments. Love this dirty gal here!!!

    • Team Clean Food Dirty Girl on August 22, 2017 at 5:59 pm

      Hi Crazy Flat Lady, Thanks for the love!

      Team Dirty Girl

  15. Maggie on September 9, 2017 at 1:37 pm

    5 stars
    Oh how I love this recipe! I froze some of my last batch and am having one for lunch and again, I’m head over heels. And that freaking sauce!!!! ????????????

    Thank you!

  16. Jenny on September 15, 2017 at 8:38 am

    Gonna try these out, if we love them what’s the best way to freeze them (individually with foil/patch paper between:?) and how long do they last for? Thanks!

    • Team Clean Food Dirty Girl on September 15, 2017 at 1:02 pm

      Hi Jenny,
      Wax or parchment paper in between each patty in your container of choice will work great for freezing. They’ll be great for at least a few weeks, and depending on the container, maybe a couple of months or longer. Major consideration is freezer burn. Hope this helps.

      Team Dirty Girl

      • Kelly on December 4, 2017 at 2:55 pm

        Hey! Are pinto beans an acceptable sub for white beans? That’s what I’ve got on hand. Thanks!

        • Meghann Milton on December 4, 2017 at 7:18 pm

          Hi Kelly,

          That should work! Let us know how they turn out?

          Team Dirty Girl

      • Carolyn Kelly on July 17, 2019 at 6:40 am

        Do you think it is preferable to bake first and then freeze, or to freeze first and then bake? I am so excited, because after another disagreement over WOEs, my husband came back to me and said he will eat more beans for his protein (instead of animal protein – generally fast food) if I make these burgers regularly. So i am whipping up a double batch immediately 😀

        • Team Clean Food Dirty Girl on July 17, 2019 at 6:52 am

          Hi Carolyn, I would bake and then freeze. Yay on your husband for giving plants a try and for you being so supportive! These burgers are SO good. ~Karen

  17. Janessa on December 20, 2017 at 9:27 pm

    5 stars
    I used a can of black beans (540mL) and a can of navy beans (540mL). I only say this because our cans here in Canada seem to be a bit bigger than yours in America. The burgers worked out great. I was thinking about not making the dressing with it since I have some hummus in the fridge, but read another review who said it was good. All I can say is – “Holy Fuck Balls this meal is fantastic”. It’s one of those meals where your making yum sounds the whole time your eating. Definitely make the dressing. I will never make it without the dressing ever!! Thank you. Summer in 6 months will be amazing with these bad girls.

    • Team Clean Food Dirty Girl on December 21, 2017 at 10:23 am

      “Holy Fuck Balls this meal is fantastic”. – YESSS! Love it, Janessa.

      Team Dirty Girl

  18. Kaylor Collette on January 24, 2018 at 1:41 pm

    May I ask what sized cans for the beans? Thanks!

    • Team Clean Food Dirty Girl on January 24, 2018 at 4:41 pm

      Hi Kaylor, Sure! Thanks for pointing out that this recipe was missing that information, I’ve just updated it. 15oz (~1.5 cups) cans are what you want.

      Team Dirty Girl

      • Kaylor Collette on January 25, 2018 at 7:53 am

        Thanks for responding! I did make them last night with the two 15 oz cans but was ready to add more, if needed. They were quite delicious. Loved the burger sauce. I topped them with smoked paprika caramelized onions and Romaine lettuce. My husband was pretty blown away by it, actually. I did skimp on the adding all of the diced red pepper because I thought is was plenty when chopping, and that was my mistake. I see now that the burgers needed every bit of that red pepper to balance the moisture content once the rice flour was added. Also, my garlic cloves were gigantic, so I just used two to keep the flavor in check. I can never guess what size onion was the intention of the recipe author, so I went for a full cup but kept the dice fine, and smaller than the peppers. Also, the finished burgers in your pics look more delectable than mine did. Did you happen to pan sear in a dry nonstick pan after baking and before taking the photos? I like the texture of a crust with mine so I’ll do that next time. I’m still searching for a great burger bun my husband and I both like. I may start baking my own. Thank you Team Dirty for this outstanding recipe.

        • Kaylor Collette on January 25, 2018 at 7:54 am

          5 stars
          Forgot to Rate it.

        • Team Clean Food Dirty Girl on February 18, 2018 at 6:17 pm

          Hi Kaylor,

          I checked and Molly (these are her photos) did not pan sear before taking the photos.


          • Kaylor on February 22, 2018 at 12:17 pm

            5 stars
            I made them a few times since my original comment and noticed more of a crust with cooking them longer. Thanks for checking back with me.

  19. Karla Strauss on February 17, 2018 at 11:39 am

    5 stars
    I made your burgers last night and am convinced they are the bomb! I also made the sauce but need to ask a fairly stupid question…it was quite bitter???? I added a extra splash of maple syrup, rice vinegar and dash of nutritional yeast and then it was tolerable. Could my tahini be old? Someone told me that could have been it? Or what could I use that would be less bitter? Thanks for the great recipe, going to share the burgers with my sons girlfriend today!

    • Team Clean Food Dirty Girl on February 17, 2018 at 4:07 pm

      Hey Karla, There are no stupid questions. Sorry to hear your sauce was bitter 🙁 . Look for a brand of tahini that uses roasted sesame seeds as it will be less bitter. If you search our private FB group for threads with “tahini” you’ll see recommendations for brands and such that are not bitter.

      Team Dirty Girl

      • Karla Strauss on February 17, 2018 at 7:06 pm

        The FB page says I have been approved but I can’t get into the page? By the way I will keep working that sauce recipe for myself, I will find a good substitute for the tahini! because I think it’s that about it I didn’t care for. I used tahini in a couple other recipes an wasn’t a fan of the taste of it in those things either. Any suggestions for something more mild would be greatly appreciated.

        • Team Clean Food Dirty Girl on February 18, 2018 at 5:53 pm

          Hi Karla,

          You should be able to see the group now when you are logged into Facebook. Head to this link. It could be that you just don’t like tahini but not all tahini is created equal. I’m a fan of Soom brand tahini, it’s not bitter at all. The Trader Joe’s tahini gets a lot of love too in the group. Sunflower seed butter would work as a possible sub here.


  20. Dmitri on October 2, 2018 at 7:42 pm

    so far all the sauces I’ve seen on the blog use cashews; can other nuts be used as well? Once in a while others are cheaper than cashews, with almonds being usualy cheaper.
    Also can one use roasted ones if necessary? or does that “de-oil” them enough that it’ll ruin the sauce?

    • Team Clean Food Dirty Girl on October 3, 2018 at 5:38 am

      Hi Dmitri- Yes, other nuts can be used. I would avoid roasted nuts and stick with raw or steam pasteurized nuts with no salt because roasted nuts are dryer and just won’t give the same creamy feel in a sauce or a dressing. Cashews are ideal because they are such a soft nut. Sunflower seeds, hemp seeds, white beans and tofu are all possible substitutions beyond using almonds or walnuts as as substitution. ~Karen

  21. Patsy on October 9, 2018 at 6:08 am

    Hello 🙂
    Does this sauce freeze well?

    • Team Clean Food Dirty Girl on October 9, 2018 at 10:53 am

      Hi Patsy, Yes! The sauce (and the burgers) freeze well. For the sauce, you’ll probably just need to re-blend it after thawing. Thanks for stopping by! ~Karen

  22. Joanie B on December 2, 2018 at 10:18 am

    Just checking if anyone has tried to sub the flour for tapioca flour? Can’t wait to make these burgers !

    • Team Clean Food Dirty Girl on December 3, 2018 at 8:20 am

      Hi Joanie B, Indeed, tapioca flour will work as a sub. ~Karen

  23. Carole Gentry on February 4, 2019 at 4:57 am

    I’m going to make these tonight. Meanwhile, I loved your tale of your b & w TV. That is all we had growing up—complete with bunny ears. We had three channels, four on a good day. I remember watching The Wizard of Oz and see the credits at the beginning of the movie with “In Full Technicolor” boldly stated. I was so excited and kept waiting and waiting and waiting for the technicolor to appear. When I was 20, (1985!) still no color tv, I dressed up as Glenda, in my homemade outfit, to go to a costume party. People thought I was a bride because I was in all white. It would be a few more years that I learned her dress was pink. But seriously. What bride wears a huge-ass glittered poster board crown and carries a glitter star on a mop handle? Thanks for the memories, Molly.

    • Molly Patrick on February 4, 2019 at 9:50 am

      I love this story, thank you so much for taking the time to share it.
      I can definitely relate!

  24. Scottie Marie Acevedo on February 11, 2019 at 5:11 am

    Hi just a quick question is the red pepper a bell pepper? Im never sure if there is another red pepper. Thank you. I love your recipes so much!?

    • Team Clean Food Dirty Girl on February 11, 2019 at 6:03 am

      Hi Scottie Marie – Yes, a red bell pepper. There are other red peppers, usually they are super spicy though. We’ve fixed the recipe to be specific and appreciate you pointing that out! ~Karen

  25. Cyclinfan on June 20, 2019 at 9:04 pm

    Has anyone tried grilling these

    • Team Clean Food Dirty Girl on June 21, 2019 at 7:45 am

      Hi Cyclinfan, I haven’t tried grilling these but they hold together nicely – they are may favorite veggie burger I’ve ever made. I imagine if they are cooked on a grill on top of a pan or foil they would hold up just fine – not sure about directly on the rack though – they might stick. Hopefully someone else who has tried it will reply. ~Karen

  26. Tammy on June 21, 2019 at 7:03 am

    How is the texture of these? Are they mushy inside? I prefer more chew factor to the insides.

    • Team Clean Food Dirty Girl on June 21, 2019 at 7:47 am

      Hi Tammy, I’ve made these at least five times, they are not mushy inside. I suppose if you formed the patties really thick they may be mushier in the middle but I’ve followed the directions as written and they are perfect. The bake time also affects the mush-factor – so a longer time will be less softness. If you try them, let us know what you think. Thanks for stopping by! ~Karen

  27. Lisa on July 2, 2020 at 5:46 am

    I’d love to make these but we’ve recently figured out my partner cannot eat onions! It must be 2020, what a disaster. We love onions and use them in everything.
    Is there a substitution for the onions in this recipe as I really want to bbq tonight. I’ve looked up many recipes and onion is the base for many of them.

    • Team Clean Food Dirty Girl on July 2, 2020 at 6:49 am

      Hi, Lisa – That’s a bummer. Mushrooms would probably work great here. Also, check out our substitution guide for other possibilities. Another suggestion, as long as neither of you have a latex allergy, is hing (asafoetida). It’s a pungent spice derived from fennel used in Indian cooking in lieu of onions. I have not used it myself, but we’ve had many comments about it in our private Facebook group. ~Karen

  28. Lisa on July 2, 2020 at 8:13 am

    Thanks a million, I’ll do some research and testing!

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