What to Do with Chia Seeds, Naked Yoga Retreats

I don’t put coconut oil in my mouth and swish it around for 20 minutes every single morning like I’m a real life latté-foaming-wand because I love the taste and texture of pure oil in my mouth.

I don’t.

I can’t even come up with anything cheeky to compare it to. Placing a tablespoon of pure oil in the mouth is bad enough.

I don’t pulverize and drink cabbage and leafy greens every day because it’s the yummiest thing since tiramisu (nothing is yummier than tiramisu, and green smoothies should never be compared to Italian desserts).

I don’t try to limit sugar because “sugar is evil and giving me belly fat.” If I really wanted my paunch to go completely away, I would never eat after 6pm and I would spend 14 hours in the gym per week, which is exactly 13 more than I’m currently spending in the gym each week.

I don’t drink green juice on a regular basis because I’m gearing up for that green juice yoga retreat where clothes are optional, “karma baths” are guaranteed, and the color of your poop will be monitored.

I’m doing good if I manage to get to a yoga class. When I hear the word “retreat,” my palms get sweaty, Charles Manson comes to mind, and if someone even thinks about coming close to my poop, we have much bigger problems than the color of my load.

I don’t drink an entire glass of warm lemon water each and every morning because I like assaulting my taste buds with sourness first thing in the morning.

And for the love of little baby Jesus, I don’t avoid cheese because I don’t like it. I love cheese.

I love cheese maybe more than I love my cat, Panda. And I heat up a hot water bottle for that cute fucker every night. I also put him in a cat sling so I can work and cuddle him at the same time. There’s something seriously wrong with me.

The reason that I do all this stuff is because there was a time in my life when I gave zero thought to what I put into my body. Kraft mac and cheese was always in my cupboard, Boston Market seemed like a nice place to eat, fruit wasn’t part of my diet, I would rather have poked my own eyeball out with a finger vibrator than learn about cruciferous veggies, ranch dressing was a requirement when eating pizza, I preferred to drink Guinness followed by shots of Jagermeister to having dinner, and I loved to smoke cigarettes with a passion.

Now, I swish my coconut oil, drink my green smoothies, take it easy on the sugar, drink lemon water and green juice, and avoid animal protein and cheese as a love letter to my body, in the hope that it will forgive me for the shit I’ve put it through (and at times, still put it through).

If how I currently feel, both mentally and physically, is any indication of how well it’s working, I don’t think my body is holding any grudges.

If you’ve put your body through hell and want to write your own love letter, I suggest starting with small, healthy additions instead of going full-on Rambo and waking up tomorrow with the intention of being a raw vegan.

First of all, people who turn into raw vegans get weird and can only communicate effectively with other raw vegans. Secondly, eating raw 100% of the time is about as satisfying as trying to pee when you have a bladder infection.

When you consistently add more healthy things to your diet over time, you will eventually start to eat less crappy stuff without even thinking about it.

Today, I’m starting with the chia seed. I was inspired to write this because one of my favorite people in the whole world (and I’ve never even met her), Ash Ambirge, the genius behind The Middle Finger Project, posted THIS on Facebook recently, and I wanted to help her out. (Ash, you sexy beast. You have no more excuses. Read this, and then go eat your chia)

Side note: If you do any form of writing for your business or your job, you’ll be doing yourself a disservice if you don’t check out The Middle Finger Project. I took one of Ash’s copywriting workshops last year, and it blew my mind. My writing would be as boring as a tire store and not worth your precious time if it weren’t for Ash Ambirge.

On to chia seeds.

Chia seeds used to be for hippies and people who wanted a poop-less terra cotta pet.

Now, chia seeds are everywhere, but once you get them home, what the hell do you do with them?

Let’s take a look at why you would want to do anything with them in the first place.

First, let me say that magic bullets are awesome if you’ve just freed your unicorn, Buttterlily, from being captured by dinosaurs and pirates AT THE SAME TIME, and now you have a T-rex and drunk Captain Black Beard on your tail.

Thank GOD for those magic bullets, if that’s the case.

But, if anyone ever tells you that you only have to eat or take one thing and all your health woes will be over, you’ll magically be your perfect weight, and there will be no more starving children in the world, introduce them to Butterlily and move on.

There will never be ONE miracle bullet that replaces eating well and exercising consistently.

And chia seeds are no exception.

Yes, they have heart-protecting omega-3’s, cholesterol-lowering fiber, and cancer-fighting lignans, but keep in mind that it’s the combination of lots of healthy whole plant foods that make our bodies run as smooth as your legs right after you get them waxed.

So yes—eat the hell out of chia seeds, but remember to eat other whole plant foods as well.

So, what to do with chia seeds?

Here are 10 ways to get turned on by chia seeds.

1. Put a tablespoon or so of chia seeds in your smoothies and / or green juices

If you drink it relatively quickly, you won’t even know they’re there. And if you don’t drink your veggies from time to time, it’s time to get on that. There are phytochemicals just waiting to repair your cells.

2. Add chia seeds to oatmeal or whatever breakfast cereal you like to eat

Because they have no flavor, they won’t fuck up the taste of your morning bowl of whatever you’re eating. Try them in dairy-free overnight oats or porridge.

3. Add them to muffins

They’ll add extra protein and fiber, and nothing screams sexy like a fiber muffin.

4. Make chia seed pudding

Chia seeds expand with liquid, so making a tapioca-like pudding is a must. Add 3/4 cup of almond milk, a couple teaspoons of pure maple syrup (none of that crappy Log Cabin crap, ok?), a teaspoon of vanilla, and 1/4 cup of chia seeds to a mason jar. Put the lid on the jar and shake until the ingredients are combined. Put it in the fridge for 6 hours and then eat with it your fave toppings. Toasted coconut, blueberries, and almond slivers just popped into my head, and now I can’t stop thinking about this combination. You can also try this Whole-Food Plant-Based Almond Butter Chocolate Chia Pudding.

5. Sprinkle chia seeds on toast

Toast some bread, slap on some almond butter and top with bananas and chia seeds. Ready in a hot second and full of oomph.

6. Make the perfect pre-run hydration boost

Pour some water into a tall glass, add a few tablespoons of chia seeds, some fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice, and a few mint leaves. Stir and allow the seeds to expand for at least 20 minutes, and then drink it about 20 minutes before you put sneakers on the road. Your morning run will never feel the same again.

7. Make chia seed jam

Whip up this Easy Chia Seed Very Berry Jam, smear it on a freshly baked scone, pour yourself a cup of tea, and start talking in an English accent. You deserve it, dahling.

8. Sprinkle on your fave salad

This doesn’t have to be complicated. Try this Classic Big Ass Salad.

9. Use them as an egg replacer in baking

To replace one egg, grind one tablespoon of chia seeds in a spice grinder or mortar and pestle (or put them in a baggie and pound them with a hammer if you have nothing else. Seriously). Add the ground chia seeds to 3 tablespoons of water, stir well, and place in the fridge for 15 minutes. Add to your recipe just as you would an egg.

10. If you don’t like any of these ideas, maybe chia seeds just aren’t your thing

If this is the case, you can always use the stash you’ve had in your fridge for the past six months in place of bandages to stop wounds from bleeding. This is what the Aztecs used to do. I’m tempted to try it just to see how well it works. Expect to see that shit on Instagram if I do.

This post originally appeared with this insanely yummy oil-free baked tofu recipe that’ll make you weak in the knees.

I hope you have a lovely week. May it be filled with lots of rest, unicorns, and chia seeds.