By Molly Patrick
Jun 14, 2016
Some of the best dating advice that I ever got from my mom was to never date anyone who I couldn’t fart in front of. As usual, her advice was spot on.
You and I might not be dating, but today I’m talking bathroom business and I’m guessing you’ll be just fine with it. This is a two parter (yes, I said that). This week I’m talking poop and on Saturday the 25th I’m talking farts and bloating and what the hell to do about it.
These topics don’t get a lot of love, but they should because it’s important shit. (See what I did there?) If it makes you feel more at ease, know that I fart all the time in front of Luanne. We sometimes have competitions. She usually wins for being more smelly. I usually win for doing it more frequently. Now if that didn’t break the ice, I guess this will just have to be awkward because that’s the best I’ve got.
I’m going to start by helping you to identify healthy, normal poops based on frequency, form, color, and smell. Yup – this is happening right now. Oh, and I promise not to use the terms “number 2” or “bowel movement” in this entire blog post.
Animal based foods and processed foods have zero fiber, whereas plant based foods are packed with fiber. When you go from eating a low fiber diet to a high fiber diet, you can expect to chill in your bathroom more than you ever have in your life because fiber turns you into a shitting machine.
You won’t be hanging out there for long periods of time though, because lots of fiber leads to huge, satisfying and super quick shits, but the frequency in which you visit your toilet is shocking when you’re fresh off the no fiber boat. Stocking up on toilet paper is a good idea, but reading material isn’t necessary because you won’t have time to read more than one sentence before your business is done.
Everyone is a little different, but when eating a diet full of whole plant foods, you can expect to take two to three big craps a day – this is healthy and totally normal. And when you go, it’s always easy and never forced.
Pooping every other day or less is not good for your gut or your overall health. If this is you, take action to move things along by avoiding meat, eating lots of fresh fruits and veggies and drinking lots of water. This is the best place to start.
On the flip side, if you’re pooping four times a day or more and it’s runny or watery, this is considered diarrhea and isn’t a good situation either. If this is you, stay away from all dairy products for two weeks and see if it backs off. If you’re already eating plant based and you’re having diarrhea, it might be a sensitivity to a particular food or your digestive tract just needs more time to adjust to this way of eating.
It can take up to a month for plant fiber eating gut bacteria to accumulate and even things out. Until this happens, it’s common for the tum tum to be slightly off. Know that this is temporary and it’ll work itself out in time.
Now – going potty two or three times a day might seem like a shit ton lot to people who only go a couple times a week, but two or three times a day is actually ideal for colon health. This makes sense as the body eliminates waste and toxins through our caca.
Even the father of modern medicine, Hippocrates, was on board with two to three times a day. Though, I’m pretty sure he used the term excrement and not caca.
For me, pooping twice a day is my minimum and three times a day is totally normal. I’ve been known to go four times a day, but that only happens on the second day of my period. Oh joy, poop talk and period talk in the same sentence. This is special.
The healthiest poops are long and smooth and they take shape of an “S” or a “C” as they land in the toilet. This is because poop has to travel through long winding intestines before it gets dropped off at the pool, and gold star swimmers are formed, but soft enough to bend without totally breaking apart when pool time is upon them.
Hard, dry poop is a sign of constipation and loose, unformed watery poop is diarrhea. If it’s foamy or floating, it’s an indication that you aren’t absorbing fat like you should be.
If your poop is too hard, skip the animal based foods, fill up on plant foods, up your water intake and the problem should be taken care of within a couple of days.
This is rare, but if you have hard poop and you’re already eating plant based, it’s because you aren’t drinking enough water. This is because soluble fiber absorbs water, so when you up your fiber intake, you also need to up your water intake to stay hydrated and to avoid constipation.
3. COLOR & SMELL
Your poop should be medium to darkish brown. If your poop is white, grey or yellow, something is off. If you eat lots of beets or leafy greens, this will affect the color and it will be a bit darker.
As far as the smell factor, no poop smells awesome, but healthy poop shouldn’t smell toxic and putrid. If someone you have a crush on walked into the bathroom right after you dropped a load, the smell level should be such that you wouldn’t be mortified – only slightly embarrassed.
Okay – so what we’ve gathered here today is that if you’re shitting two or three times a day with ease, and it’s smooth, formed and soft enough to land in the toilet in a “C” or “S” shape, and it’s medium to darker brown in color, and it isn’t SUPER stinky – then congratulations, your poop is top notch.
Shitting should be an easy, enjoyable, non-issue. If you missed the mark on some of these or if pooping is frustrating or a point of concern, then it’s time to start tweaking what you eat. Because what comes out is a direct product of what goes in.
Eating a Whole Food Plant Based diet is the best way to balance out your gut and turn you into a gold star shitting machine. Once you experience how good it feels to have healthy shits on the daily, you’ll never want to go back. Guaranteed.
Okay – this wraps up part one. I’ll cover farting and bloating in part two on the 25th. I swear, the 10 year old boy in me loves this series.
Damn – there’s a lot going on up in here! Good thing I’m not wasting precious time in the bathroom.
Okay – There’s no easy transition to a recipe after this Fuckery, so I’m not even going to try. 😉
- 1 package of soba noodles feel free to buy the type that has buckwheat flour and whole wheat flour because the 100% buckwheat noodles are expensive
- 1/4 of a red onion about 1 cup / 55g, thinly sliced
- 3 cups mushrooms 170g, sliced
- 1 avocado
- 1/2 cup cherry tomatoes 90g, left whole
- 1 teaspoon lemon juice
- 1 tablespoon water
- 1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
- 1/4 teaspoon dried basil
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- Slice the onions and the mushrooms and set them aside in separate bowls.
- Make the sauce by adding all of the sauce ingredients (avocado, tomatoes, lemon juice, water, garlic powder, dried basil and salt) into your food processor and process until smooth. Transfer to a bowl and set aside for now.
- Bring a big enough pot of water to a boil to cook your soba noodles without having to break them in half. While the water is heating, prepare the onion / mushroom mixture by heating a skillet for about a minute and then adding the onion. Cook for several minutes, stirring frequently and adding a tablespoon of water when the onions start to stick. When the onions start to get brown (about 3 - 5 minutes), add the mushrooms and cook for several minutes, until the mushrooms get soft. Stir intermittently so the mushrooms don’t stick to the pan. When the mushrooms are soft, turn off the heat and set aside for now.
- Cook the soba according to the directions on the package (soba only takes few minutes to cook). When they're soft but not mushy, drain and give them a quick rinse with cold water. Strain as much of the water from the soba as you can and place into a large mixing bowl.
- Add the avo sauce to the noodles and mix thoroughly. From here you can serve as is or you can heat it up before serving.
- Place a portion on each plate and top with some of the mushroom / onion mixture.
Wishing you a happy week. May it be filled with awesome shitting.