My Struggle With Alcohol And How I Quit + Tomato Mint Salad with Cashew Cheese

June 21, 2016 / Molly Patrick /

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I’m laying in my bed. It’s 8am. It’s cold and dark. My head pounds. My mouth is dry. I feel nauseous.

The Bay Area fog has nestled itself tightly around all of Oakland, Berkeley and San Francisco. There will be no blue skies today. There will be no sun.

I have to leave for work in less than an hour and even the thought of getting out of bed is exhausting.

The only thing going through my head is Britney Spear’s voice singing just one line.

“Oops, I did it again”

This one line of this one song has plagued me for years. It’s been the first thing to pop into my head and greet me as I exit sleep and enter my hangovers. I don’t remember exactly when it started, but when I hear Britney’s voice in my head, I know that I’m hungover before I even feel the physical effects.

This morning is no different. “Oops I did it again” plays loud in my head. The message is clear and the dialogue with myself sets in.

Molly, you said you weren’t going to drink yesterday – what the fuck happened?
I don’t know – it just happened. I forgot that I wasn’t going to drink (a lie).

What the hell is wrong with you?
I don’t know, but I’m definitely not drinking tonight.

Your breath stinks, you look like ass, and you have a long fucking day ahead of you. You’re better than this. Come on woman – get it together.
Yeah – got it. Getting up now.

You’re too old for this shit and you’ve been doing this for too long. And you KNOW this.
Yeah – thanks. Understood.

I love you, but damn this is tired. Stop talking about quitting and start DOING.
Okay – fuck. I deserve that, but stop. I feel like enough shit already.

Before I drag myself out of bed, I silently apologize to my body for beating it up with wine and cigarettes on an empty stomach.

I skim over the fact that having an empty stomach is always part of the plan because food absorbs alcohol and I don’t want it to fuck with my high.

I send love and light to my liver. To my lungs. To my heart. To my brain. And to the rest of the cells in my body.

All I want to do is pull my fluffy warm down blanket over my head and go back to sleep.

But I can’t. I have to get up and pretend that I’m fine. I have to shower and wash off the smell of alcohol and cigarettes. I’ll try to wash off a little shame and disappointment while I’m at it too. I have to do normal things that shouldn’t be challenging, but with a hangover they feel monumental.

I sludge through, feeling like my day is more of a punishment than a blessing. I drink a green smoothie. I eat some carb heavy vegan food. I drink copious amounts of water. I take a couple of Ibuprofen. I fake a smile. And I tell myself that I am NOT going to drink tonight.

My day slowly goes by and by 3pm I’m feeling much better. My headache lifts. I don’t feel nauseous. And I start to get some energy back. Things are starting to look up. But as soon as I feel better physically, thoughts of drinking start to stir. At first it’s a quiet whisper.

Hey – maybe you can drink tonight after all.
I try to ignore it, and I remind myself of earlier this morning. I think of Britney.
As time goes by, the nudge gets a little more ballsy.

Hey – it’s Friday. You can’t NOT drink on a Friday. Come on you quitter.
I listen. I agree. But I hold firm. I felt like shit this morning. I need to give my body a break. #fortheloveofmyliver

As it gets closer to 5pm – the end of my work day, the nudging turns into a full on shout.

Molly – you eat like a rabbit, you work hard all week and you can sleep in tomorrow. You deserve some fun and some time to unwind. Everyone has a vice and everyone is going to die someday. Do you want to die sober and boring? Plus, you’re going to drink at some point, so you may as well drink tonight.

I am becoming convinced and I like it. I welcome more convincing.

Thatta girl! You know what to do. You can already taste that first drink of wine going down. Right? Am I right? Woo hoo!! We’re going to drink when we get off work!!

With this, my mind has been made up – I will drink after work. And once I make the decision to drink, it’s on. No matter how hungover. No matter how much the better part of me knows that I shouldn’t. No matter what obstacles or boundaries are blocking my way. The second that I decide I’m going to drink, it’s over and I’m already on my way to getting drunk.

I get off work and before I even reach my car I know exactly where I’ll stop to pick up my supplies. Now – there’s a part of me that wants to go straight home and skip the store. She wants a nourishing dinner. A bath. A good book. She wants peace. She wants to go to bed early and wake up early. She wants to start the day feeling energized and happy.

But that part always loses out.

That part is overpowered by a much stronger force that will feel cheated if I skip the store. She will feel angry if I go home empty handed. She will feel like she’s missing an opportunity to drink if I opt for dinner, a bath and bed. The thought of skipping the store and going straight home is soothing, but only because I know it’s not going to happen.

I drive to the store and I buy three bottles of wine and a pack of yellow American Spirits. I feel excited and ashamed as I happily hand over my hard earned cash and avoid eye contact with the cashier.

As I drive home, I humor the small part of me that doesn’t want to drink by telling her that I don’t have to drink or smoke tonight and that maybe I’ll save the wine and smokes for another time.

But I can see right through my bullshit. I’m so giddy to get home that I’m genuinely smiling for the first time all day.

I walk into my house, I tell my girlfriend (Luanne) hi and then I see how long I can put off opening the first bottle. It’s a little game that I play with myself. I’m hoping that Luanne opens a bottle and pours me my first glass because this way I’ll feel less responsible for my actions.

I will wait 30 minutes. If she doesn’t offer me a glass of wine by then, I will uncork the first bottle myself.

As soon as I have my first glass readied up, I make my way out to the deck. Wine, cigarettes and lighter in tow. This is my happy place and my entire day up until now has been the entrance fee. I sit down and I melt into the experience.

As the wine gently hits me, any lingering feelings of being hungover fade away and I become blissed out, happy and totally content for the first time all day. I’m slightly tingly. My worries and my problems are forgotten. The conversation that I had with myself earlier that morning flashes through my mind, but I dismiss it and chuckle to myself for overreacting. I pour another glass of wine and light another smoke.

Luanne and I talk about our day. We laugh. We tell each other stories. We connect.

I don’t dare tell her about the mind fuck and the grip that alcohol has on me because I know that she’s free of it, and if I tell her, it’ll compromise my addiction.

I call it a night when the wine bottles are empty. I’m sad that it’s over and if there was more to drink I probably would. This is one reason I don’t keep extra alcohol in the house. It’s protection from myself. I waited all day for this and now it has ended so fast. That original tingly good feeling is gone and I now feel sloppy, unsteady, tired, and regretful.

I rummage through my fridge. I’m not hungry, but I know I need to eat something before I go to sleep or else I will throw up in the morning. There are no leftovers to easily heat up, so I make a piece of toast. It’s not dinner – it’s a sponge.

I brush my teeth. I put on my retainer (much to my surprise, I always manage to put on my retainer). I wash my face. I put on my pajamas and I get into bed. I turn off the light and I pass out.

The next morning, before my eyes open – before I’m awake enough to feel my hangover, it hits me.

“Oops I did it again”

And the whole cycle begins again.

Up until a year ago, some variation of this was my life. And although my drinking became more predictable and heavier over time, alcohol was a constant in my life from a young age.

The first time I got drunk I was 14. I was at a big New Year’s Eve party with lots of adults who were letting loose and too preoccupied with having a good time to notice a couple of teenagers sneaking wine from the kitchen.

My best friend and I drank pink Carlo Rossi wine from a box until we felt tingly and light headed. We went outside to get some air and we laid down on the inviting grassy lawn. We looked up at the night sky and we laughed until tears rolled down our cold, pink cheeks.

That was it. The flood gates had been opened and they wouldn’t close until June 14th 2015. Twenty one years later.

I have a hard time believing it, but it has officially been one year since I’ve had a drink or a smoke.

I thought about quitting hundreds of times before my first attempt at kicking it to the curb.

Thinking about quitting was safe because it was in my head. If I decided that I didn’t want to quit after all (which invariably was the case), there would be no one to explain myself to and I wouldn’t have to backpedal.

If my desire to stop drinking was transferred from my head to someone else’s, I would be bringing attention to my problem. And I didn’t want attention on my problem because only then would it become a problem. I was okay living in denial. Living in denial meant that I could drink, and let’s face it – that was one of my highest priorities.

I loved drinking.

It was how I coped. It was how I staved off boredom. It was how I celebrated good news.

It was how I got through bad news. It was how I loosened myself up in social situations.

It was how I entertained myself and my friends.

It was how I had fun.

It had been a huge part of my life since I was a teenager. The thought of living without alcohol was unimaginable. Who would I be without it? What would I do without it? Life would be boring and painful and anticlimactic and pointless without drinking.

I was not a quitter. And goddammit – I deserved every single drink that I’d ever had.

So whenever I would get the bright idea to quit (always when I was hungover), I would keep it tucked away in my head, where my drinking routine was safe from it.

In 2010 I started getting the nudge. It was a knowing that my life would open up and be so much richer if drinking wasn’t part of it. My spirit felt dull and grey, but there was an energized light just underneath the madness of my addiction that I knew was waiting to come out and play. It was clear to me that drinking was holding me back from fully stepping into the life that I was put on this planet to live.

It sounds woo woo. It sounds super patchouli, but that’s the best way I can explain it. This message – this nudge, was bittersweet. I wanted to shine and I knew that I had more to offer, but the thought of not drinking was ridiculous to me.

So I tried cutting down.

Okay – so cutting down might work for some people, but for me it was a cruel joke. Having one glass of wine was a tease. It made me hot and then it didn’t deliver. It gave me pink clit (yes – the equivalent of blue balls, but for ladies). It was impossible for me to have one drink. As soon as I had one, I kept going – even if I didn’t want to necessarily. It was easier for me to have zero drinks than one drink. But I wasn’t ready to have zero drinks, so I kept having lots of drinks.

My inability to stop at one drink and my tiring cycle of habitual alcohol use intrigued me and I became fascinated with other people’s drinking and sobriety. I read book after book about people who struggled with alcohol and who had gotten sober. I was obsessed.

Every book I read was like reading an autobiography. Even though I was reading books about it, I wasn’t ready to get sober yet. Sometimes I’d read about people getting sober while I was drunk, having to shut one eye so I didn’t see double on the page. The irony and madness made me laugh out loud.

I knew that one day I’d have to quit drinking, and even though this pissed me off and made me shit scared, I accepted this as my truth and my ultimate fate.

So I kept reading. I kept seeking answers. I kept learning from others who successfully got off the bottle. I started journaling. I started meditating. I started cleaning up my eating. I slowly got myself ready for what was sure to be a shit show that I wanted no part of, but at my core knew that my participation was required.

I was preparing to give birth to a life and an existence that was totally foreign to me.

I was doing a good job preparing, but I kept putting it off and telling myself that I would quit soon. Months went by. Years went by. There was always tomorrow.

One Monday evening in November of 2013, I had a moment of clarity for no apparent reason.

It was around 5pm and I had already drank four or five Jameson and Ginger Ales and smoked a half a pack of cigarettes.

I went into my kitchen and I sat down at the table. There was a heaviness in the air and I knew that things would not be okay if I kept this up. I knew something had to give, and it had to give soon. I felt like I just got news that an old friend had died.

The next day I told Luanne that I was going to go one month without drinking. This was the first time I had set boundaries for myself out loud, and because I had verbalized my plan to someone, I felt accountable to follow through with it, which gave me an excuse not to drink. Yes – it had gotten to the point that I needed an excuse NOT to drink. The first few days without alcohol were brutal and beautiful. I wasn’t tempted to drink because I had someone to keep me accountable.

This was my first foray into sobriety, and it lasted exactly six weeks.

I lasted two weeks longer than my intended four weeks, so from my skewed, wanting to drink judgment, it was a success.

My next sober attempt was in 2014 and it lasted all of three days. Yup, one, two, three.

I tried again later in 2014 and I lasted five days – not even a full week.

For most people, going five days without drinking is completely normal; for me it was a small victory.

In May of 2015, I’d finally reached the point where it was more painful for me to keep drinking than it was to stop.

Reaching this point was anti-climactic and I’m grateful every single day that I don’t have a horrifying story about my low.

I didn’t drive drunk and hit someone. I wasn’t homeless. My drinking never spilled over into doing drugs. I was never diagnosed with a life threatening illness. I didn’t cheat on my girlfriend or say awful things to the people that I love.

It was a day just like any other day. But when I woke up, I knew it was over.

I was exhausted and I was finally done.

I hated that I had reached this point and I fucking loved it.

I breathed in relief and I breathed out sorrow.

I was full of excitement and absolute dread.

It was the thing that I wanted the most and the least at the same exact time.

This had been over two decades coming and I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer.

I also knew that I had to go all in this time. So I put a plan into place, and I got ready for life to sting for a little while.

The continuation of this story is in live video format. I shared the tricks that made all the difference in finally making my sobriety stick and I did a Q+A session after my talk.

You can catch the replay here. 

One thing that helped me get my shit together was focusing on self care. After so many years of abuse, I needed self care like someone stranded in the desert needs water. One way I gave that to myself was through the food that I ate. If you’re ready to start practicing self care, my weekly Plant Fueled Meal Plans are the perfect place to start.

Do you have a personal struggle with alcohol ? Talk to me in the comments below. 

Today’s recipe is super easy to whip up. Go throw it together and then watch the replay of my candid session.

Tomato Mint Salad with Cashew Cheese

Author: Molly Patrick of Clean Food Dirty Girl

Ingredients

For the Salad

  • 3 medium-sized tomatoes cut into bite-sized wedges
  • Red onion as much or as little as you want, thinly sliced
  • 1/4 teaspoon lime zest
  • 2 tablespoons lime juice
  • 1 garlic clove minced
  • 1/2 cup mint leaves 6g, chopped

For the Topping

  • Cashew Cheese Recipe below
  • Walnuts chopped

For the Cashew Cheese

  • 1 cup cashews soaked in water for at least 10 minutes 130g
  • 2 teaspoons lemon juice
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 2 turns fresh black pepper
  • 1/4 cup water

Instructions

Make the Salad

  • Make the salad by placing the tomatoes, red onion, lime zest, lime juice, garlic, and mint into a mixing bowl and gently mixing until all of the ingredients are combined.
  • You can chill the salad or serve it at room temperature.
  • Place a portion of the salad on a plate and top with cashew cheese and walnuts. Garnish with mint to make it extra pretty.

Make the Cashew Cheese

  • Soak, drain and rinse the cashews.
  • Place the cashews in a food processor along with lemon juice, salt and black pepper.
  • Pulse for about 1 minute to combine the ingredients.
  • Add the water and process until completely smooth, about 2 – 4 minutes.
  • The longer you soak your cashews the more water they absorb. If you soak your cashews for an hour you won’t need to add additional water. If you’re in a hurry and only soak your cashews for 10 minutes, you may want to add a few extra tablespoons of water.
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Wishing you a happy week. May it be filled with moments of clarity for no apparent reason.

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Written by ex-boozer, ex-smoker, Co-founder, and CEO, Molly Patrick. They will help you eat more plants while throwing perfection down the garbage disposal.

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56 Comments

  1. Charley on July 15, 2016 at 5:41 pm

    Loved and relate to your adventures with alcohol. I have lived that life almost to the tee. Thanks for sharing.

    • Molly Patrick on July 16, 2016 at 6:14 am

      You are most welcome.
      xo
      Molly

  2. charley on July 16, 2016 at 7:46 am

    Thanks for your reply, I too, shall win the war as you did. I love your recipes, I have been vegan, vegetarian and a carnivore doing my life. I look forward to trying many of your recipes.

  3. Sorcha Blanchard on August 25, 2016 at 7:51 am

    I’ve just read this and cried…I can relate to every.single.word.

    Thankyou for sharing this with us…I’m going to take a good hard look at my drinking and dig up the courage to stop again
    Xx

    • Molly Patrick on August 25, 2016 at 7:59 am

      Hi Sorcha –

      I’m here for you if you ever need anything.
      [email protected]

      We also have an amazingly supportive private Facebook group.
      There are a lot of people in our group who are newly sober or wanting to get sober.
      I can introduce you to them if you like – just email me.

      Quitting is hard as fuck – but it’s worth every single shit storm that comes with it.

      Lots of love headed your way.

      xo

      Molly

      • sorcha on August 25, 2016 at 8:48 am

        Thankyou sweetheart, it’s funny really…this time last year I’d been sober for over 2 years…then just before xmas I was hit by a car as I was crossing the road ( he jumped a red light ) and I used it as an excuse to drink…at first I was certain I coild handle it and now I drink every night ( as a reward for my day right?..)
        I know I can stop but why is it I’m seen a a crazy person because I am ( or will be ) a teetotal vegan?
        Much love chicky xx

        • Molly Patrick on August 25, 2016 at 11:51 am

          Damn -getting hit by a car sucks so much!
          You gives a fuck how you’re seen? It’s not their life, it’s yours.
          It usually stems from how we see ourselves anyhow.
          Sending you love on your journey.
          xo
          Molly

  4. Elizabeth on September 5, 2017 at 5:37 am

    5 stars
    This made me cry!! I can’t tell you how much I needed to hear this. This is my life. I wake up with resolve, but end up going to bed wasted every. single. day. I pray constantly for the willingness and strength to overcome this. I can’t thank you enough for being so candid and brutally honest. I pray I find a way out before it claims my health. Thank you so much. Thank you!!

    • Team Clean Food Dirty Girl on September 10, 2017 at 5:51 pm

      Elizabeth, the fact that you are calling yourself out and expressing desire to heal is HUGE! You can do this!!! You are worth it!!! There are many sober Dirty Girls in our supportive FB group, you don’t have to be a meal plan subscriber to join and you might find some inspiration to give yourself a lot of love. Sending you lots of strength and hoping you find your moment of clarity!

      Karen
      Team Dirty Girl

  5. Nikki on October 22, 2017 at 11:01 am

    thank you for this. for being so open and honest. i desperately needed to read this today. i’ve tried and tried SO many times to quit and i have not been able to. i pray that this time it sticks. i just want to be happy and live my fullest life. thank you so much.

    • Molly Patrick on October 22, 2017 at 11:19 am

      Hi NIkki –
      If you ever need a little nudge, feel free to email me.
      [email protected]
      I know it’s a bitch, but I also know that you can do this.
      Sending lots of love your way!
      xo
      Molly

  6. lorraine Barnes on October 24, 2017 at 7:53 pm

    Today I read the term, “functional alcoholic”. I’m aware I drink almost every day and have done for awhile. I have a glass of wine in front of me right now. Molly, there is so much in your reasoning to which I am able to relate. I’m a master at finding reasons to have that drink. I don’t wake up with a hangover and I don’t smoke. But alcohol plays a big role in my life that I feel is unhealthy. Thank you for starting this page.

    • Molly Patrick on October 24, 2017 at 8:05 pm

      You are most welcome, my dear.
      You will know when you are ready to make a change.
      xo
      Molly

      • lina on September 1, 2019 at 7:26 pm

        I cant even get a damn fucjing day. One day. I’m a car hit victim too. Hey

  7. Jess on October 26, 2017 at 7:26 pm

    Wow.
    I am 40 years old and this is very close to the past 20-25 years of my life. It ebbs and flows, but the feelings are the same. The voices in your head sound like they are related to mine! So we all have the same disease? Is it even a disease really!? Right now I’ve been sober for a week. I’ve gone months at times. But when it’s time to “retox” as I have historically liked to call it, well, it’s on. I feel like I’m getting better at moderation, but it’s really just longer amounts of time between those rough nights.
    Thank you for sharing.
    You bought a tear to my jank ass eye… For real.
    I’m stoked to try your meal plan.
    I love to cook. I’ve always eaten quality foods but have been randomly vegan for weeks, months, even years. I think I’m ready to commit.
    Thanks again ????

    • Meghann Milton on October 27, 2017 at 7:10 am

      Thanks for the love Jess! You are not alone! Please join us in Molly’s new Facebook Group, so that you can be surrounded with all the love! Clean Food Sober Girl
      Meghann
      Team Dirty Girl

  8. Handful on December 4, 2017 at 4:45 pm

    I am sitting here with my damn eyeballs leaking. I feel like you totally just ripped the pages from my book of life. I’ve always been a drinker/ partier and smoker since I was in jr high but it really hit the fan after losing my husband and only child. After my son died I literally laid in bed for a full year so drunk. Then I began functioning during the day (after the hangover) and just night drinking.

    And that is pretty much where I am now. I get physically ill without “my” vodka. And there is always a good reason to have a drink. But I can’t stop until the jug is empty. I was in town today and stopped to get another 1/2 gallon because I only had about a 1/2 of a jug left.

    My health is suffering from it – I had emergency open heart surgery after I lost my son and then was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer shortly after that. (However, I am to my 5 year check point – I have to reschedule because I was too hungover to drive that far) I eat a pretty healthy diet and take care of myself in other ways but smoke and I am pickling my innards.

    It is past time for me to have a come to Jesus talk with myself and decide what I really want out of life. I am scared. Thank you so much for sharing your story,

    • Molly Patrick on December 4, 2017 at 10:04 pm

      So much love headed your way.
      xo
      Molly

      • Handful on December 14, 2017 at 2:29 pm

        <3 Thank you. Because I am not loving myself right now.

        • Sam on January 15, 2020 at 10:50 pm

          How are you doing since

  9. Cath on December 12, 2017 at 1:08 pm

    I read your post recognising every word (apart from being a smoker). I am trapped between knowing I have to stop and wanting to carry on, because I am scared. I cried reading your post because I related so much. Thank you for your complete honesty Molly x

    • Meghann Milton on December 13, 2017 at 8:37 am

      You can do this Cath! We have a wonderfully supportive new Facebook group called Clean Food Sober Girl and we’d love for you to join us there to help nudge you in the right direction. 🙂

      xo
      Meghann
      Team Dirty Girl

  10. Kim on January 1, 2018 at 6:11 pm

    I’m heading over to Clean Food Sober Girl….. Thank you so much for sharing…. as most, i completely relate to the talks with myself, yadda, yadda, yadda….. today is day 1 of startung a new life and do the things i need to do to make a difference. I will continue readkng everything i can and pray to the universe that i can, and i will do this….. Thank you, and Congrats on getting where you are today and being an inspiration xo

  11. Jean on March 12, 2018 at 9:30 am

    5 stars
    It just so happens that a lot of us have our own poison. Yours is alcohol, mine is carbs. For some it’s gluten or fat. It really doesn’t matter what it is, we all have terrible struggles with it. You are so brave to tackle it head on and save yourself because in the end, no one else can do it. It takes super-human strength and discipline to pull yourself out of the swirling black hole that can only lead to a horrifying premature death. You are here in this gorgeous place to make a huge difference in the lives of others and you have the perfect tools to do it.
    Congratulations, you are now shining brightly and living your purpose.

  12. Kelli H on November 14, 2018 at 2:44 pm

    Thanks for the read..I am battling my own sort of demons and this gives me hope.. On the plus side, I did quit social smoking completely on 9-2-18(even 5 or 6 cigs a day is no bueno). That’s one victory under my belt.
    That recipe looks fab, and I just happen to have all the ingredients to make it..mint leaves included

    • Molly Patrick on November 14, 2018 at 7:32 pm

      Congrats, that is a huge victory.
      Sending you lots of love on your journey.
      xo
      Molly

  13. Amy Brown on March 7, 2019 at 9:56 pm

    Just the post I needed to read as a new Dirty Girl wanting to take a cold hard look at my nightly “me time” of 2-3 glasses of wine and the occasional cocktail, which inevitably leads to salty, unhealthy carb snacks. And waking up to Ooops, I did it again. Oh yeah. Going to watch your video again and head over to the FB group for support. Thank you for your honesty and your example!

  14. Sue on March 14, 2019 at 6:13 am

    This was me to a T, except I would hide my empty bottle until I could “safely” throw them out. Husband found them a few times. I felt his pain and would promise never to do it again and that would last a couple of weeks. The last time he said “you eat so healthy and you drink.” For some reason that really hit me. Plus the fact that my son in law around the same time got his 3rd DUI with my grandson in the car. He went to rehab the next day and I stopped drinking. There are days I still fight myself to not go to state store. Hopefully one day I won’t even think about it.

    • Molly Patrick on March 14, 2019 at 11:29 am

      Oh Sue, I understand so completely.
      After I quit, I couldn’t imagine not wanting to drink so I decided to accept that I would always want to drink.
      And that was okay, I could want to without taking action.
      It will be 4 years this June since I’ve had a drink and I can tell you with 100% honesty that I no longer feel like drinking.
      In fact, I don’t want to drink because my life is so much better without it.
      Sometimes I still can’t believe it’s ME saying that.
      You got this and I am sending so much love and strength your way.
      xo
      Molly

      • Jessica O'Dell on April 27, 2019 at 8:21 pm

        I just recently found your amazing self and was super stoked even before I read your alcohol and sobriety story. Now I feel like we’re sisters! I got sober 2 years ago on my 40th birthday. It was one of the hardest and most rewarding things I’ve ever done. So happy for you and that I found your community 😊

        • Molly Patrick on April 27, 2019 at 9:04 pm

          I’m so glad we found each other!
          High fives for quitting the mind fuck that is alcohol (for us lucky ones, anyway – ha!).
          Lots of love, my fellow sober sister.
          xo
          Molly

  15. Shea on May 16, 2019 at 4:57 pm

    5 stars
    I maybe sooooo late to the party!! I literally just felt like I was reading my story. In Googled Stop bullshitting yourself about alcohol and this popped up!! I hate myself everyday for drinking but soon as 6pm rolls around I am like..well 1 drink can’t hurt..ans then I am drunk!! AGAIN!
    I am a diabetic on top of all this, but I drink to numb, cope, relieve stress, cure boredom etc.. and you are right Self Care is extremely important. I appreciate your honesty. Makes me feel less alone and maybe I can do this!
    Thanks for your story

    • Molly Patrick on May 16, 2019 at 9:39 pm

      Hi Shea,
      If I can do it, you can do it.
      I know it’s hard – God, do I know!
      But it is SO worth it. It is the best thing I have done in my life.
      My life is completely different now than it was when I drank.
      Seriously, I can’t imagine ever going back – the thought gives me chills.
      YES YOU CAN DO THIS!
      XOOX

      Molly

  16. KCV on May 17, 2019 at 12:22 pm

    5 stars
    Molly, you inspired me. Day 4 and I’ve surrounded myself with lots and lots of quality resources. Thank you times a million. I hope to be able to help others, once I get my feet under me in sobriety. You are appreciated and loved.

    • Molly Patrick on May 18, 2019 at 6:42 am

      I’m so very happy for you!
      Thank you for sharing.
      You got this (even if you feel like you don’t).
      xo
      Molly

  17. Lyn on June 15, 2019 at 4:30 pm

    A great read. Thank you for sharing. My sobriety date is 11/7/13 i am a vegan non drinker. Two best decisions i have ever made for myself.

    • Molly Patrick on June 15, 2019 at 4:44 pm

      Whooo hooo!
      Good for you! High fives all around.
      xo
      Molly

  18. Chanelle on July 8, 2019 at 1:01 am

    Thank you for writing this. I too am struggling with wine addiction. I have come a long way since late last year giving up dairy and then animal products in April this year (all through digestive problems) and loving WFPBno now. I still am having problems but not as bad and am aware of why it is still happening but not able to make that last step. Being 53 now and a heavy drinker for a long time has taken its toll, still looking for that one button that will trigger a positive result. Cheers and thanks again.

  19. Three on July 23, 2019 at 6:34 pm

    5 stars
    I could have written this myself. Makes my stomach clench to read through it. Makes me sad for that story both yours and mine.

    But! It’s been 2.5 years sober for me after multiple rehabs and hospitalizations.

    By some miracle I’m still here.

    We are still here. Thank you for sharing.

    • Molly Patrick on July 24, 2019 at 6:38 am

      Wherever you are right now, I am giving you a virtual hug.
      That business of quitting is hard shit, but damn, it is so very worth it.
      Here’s to our continued sexy ass sobriety.
      xo
      Molly

  20. Amy on October 9, 2019 at 7:24 am

    I am in this exact struggle right now. Yesterday morning: I won’t buy the wine tonight.
    After work: I have to stop and get something for dinner anyhow and boom – there I am in the liquor department with wine AND vodka, facing the liquor department cashier who I am ashamed may actually know my name. Today waking up, piecing together the end of last evening, I vow to put my shit together today and start looking for healthy eating options. I came across this article. God knows what He’s doing. I’ve been asking for help, a sign, anything. Then I come across this article that I feel like are the words in my head shown back to me in written format. I am not alone. It can be done. I pray for continued strength for you, I’m so happy that you have found your way to better health and out of the grip of booze. I pray that today is my day 1. I will make this my day one. I can do this! Thank you so much for putting this out there. I can’t wait to check out the video. Thank you again.

    • Molly Patrick on October 9, 2019 at 4:13 pm

      oh my dear, I want to hug you right now.
      I have been where you are and I know how much it sucks.
      If I had only one thing to tell you, it would be this:
      You have everything you need to conquer this – you were born with it, and it isn’t going anywhere. It might seem fucking impossible right now, but please trust me when I tell you, it is not.
      I got to the point where I had admit and own that I am one of those people who cannot drink. Full stop. Some people can, some people can’t. I am someone who falls into the can’t category.
      For me, this had to be a forever deal. One day at a time works for some people, but that did not work for me – it gave me room to mentally masturbate over whether or not I was going to drink that day or not. And as soon as there was room for negotiation, it was done and I was on my way to drunk.
      Please know that you are NOT alone and I swear to everything that is good, if I can do this, so can you.
      It has been over 4 years that I have not had a drink and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
      I thought my life would be boring and shitty without drinking and smoking. I was wrong. It is the exact opposite. My life is more exquisite than I ever could have imagined.
      Lots of love headed your way.
      xo
      Molly

  21. Ann on October 20, 2019 at 10:31 am

    Wow, just found your website 2 days ago. Got up this morning so hung over and said that’s it. Something made search your site with the word “drinking”. So need to do this, I need to “fully stop”. I need to feel better! Heading to your video, thank you!

    • Molly Patrick on October 21, 2019 at 12:17 am

      Lots of love headed your way.
      If I can do this, you can do this.
      Xo
      Molly

  22. Kat Leon on November 15, 2019 at 2:38 pm

    I want this to be me. I want to be free from drinking/craving wine. I don’t want to think about it or make a quick trip to the store or obsess over not having any wine. I drink to cope with boredom and loss and maybe not facing all of my grief. I know I use it to cope. The longest I’ve gone is 6 wks of not buying any or having any in the house until my sister gave me some of her stock. It’s been 5 days now. I really wanted some but didn’t want to go to the store last night. Somehow the weekend makes me want it more. I know it doesn’t help any of the things I’m trying to avoid. It’s kind of a running joke about “needing wine” to get through stuff. That should be a clue! Right?

    • Molly Patrick on November 16, 2019 at 10:02 am

      Hi Kat,
      There is absolutely no reason this can’t be you.
      I get it. I really do.
      I got to the point where I was going to have to accept all of the shit that came with drinking and never, ever complain about it.
      For me, I knew I had a choice.
      I could either continue doing what I was doing, or I could stop.
      If I stopped it would suck so much ass.
      But if I continued, I would likely die at a young age, which would suck more.
      So I chose to quit. I had to tell myself it was forever though because the “I won’t drink for 2 months” only fucked with my head and I wound up drinking two weeks in.
      You can do this, Kim. If I can, you can.
      xo
      Molly

  23. Pamela Fisher on December 29, 2019 at 3:58 pm

    Wow… your story resonates with me so much.

    I have read a lot of “quit lit” over the past year and a half, but this was probably the most I’ve felt like I was reading my own story (and I stumbled across it completely by accident!!). I’m currently 71 days sober (and 62 days smoke free). I know I have a long ways to go to really “heal” but I also feel like I’ve already come so far in a lot of ways.

    Thank you for sharing!!

    • Molly Patrick on December 29, 2019 at 5:22 pm

      Hi Pamela,
      Thank you so much for taking the time to comment.
      I’m glad my story spoke to you.
      I was 71 and 62 days in at one point as well.
      I am now 4.5 years in and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
      Lots of love and encouragement headed your way.
      xo
      Molly

  24. Stacy B Hutchinson on April 29, 2020 at 1:37 pm

    I am one-week new to this site, and about 6 weeks into WFPB eating, and couldn’t be more excited. The best thing? Being directed to this blog, and realizing I will be sharing my efforts with someone who is sharing mine…I am 62 years old, had my first drink/drunk at 12, and in June, will celebrate 26 years of sobriety. Keep up the good work, and I look forward to learning much from you!

    • Molly Patrick on April 29, 2020 at 11:25 pm

      I’m so glad we crossed paths, Stacy!
      Congrats on your sobriety, isn’t it the best?!
      Just like being sober, WFBP eating just keeps getting better and better.
      xo
      Molly

  25. Anonymous on June 30, 2020 at 6:03 am

    Thank you for sharing your struggle and congratulations on your positive life changes!

    Please reconsider your use of the word “jipped”. https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2013/12/30/242429836/why-being-gypped-hurts-the-roma-more-than-it-hurts-you

    • Team Clean Food Dirty Girl on July 4, 2020 at 9:36 am

      Thank you, Anonymous, for sharing that resource. ~Karen on behalf of Molly + Team Dirty

  26. Leigh on November 29, 2020 at 10:06 am

    5 stars
    Received your email titled “Bitter Disappointment” in my Inbox on Saturday, and the described situation of friends having lots of fun drinking hit close to home for me. It led me to your blog to see if I can relate, and again, it was like reading a self biography. I have so many fears about drinking – yes, long-term health related, but mostly about being alone or not being invited to the fun. Thank you for your honesty, which has empowered me to take a step towards no more drinking.

    • Molly Patrick on November 29, 2020 at 6:55 pm

      Thank you for taking the time to share, Leigh.
      I wish you all the success on this journey.
      If I can do it, you can do it.
      xo
      Molly

  27. Sue on February 23, 2021 at 10:33 am

    This hit home. Although I no longer smoke ii haven’t been able to give up the wine. I don’t/can’t stop at one glass. It’s may not be every day either, but I hide my drinking from my family which makes me feel terrible, but obviously not enough. I am saving this to read every day and to give me strength. Thanks for the kick in the ass that I needed.

    • Molly Patrick on February 28, 2021 at 10:42 pm

      Sending you lots of love, my dear.
      I’ve been there.
      xo
      Molly

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