October 24, 2020 by Molly Patrick

I dug my butt

Earlier this week, as I sat eating a Big-Ass-Salad for dinner with a spoon (I don’t know), my mind was swimming with all kinds of thoughts and worries.

My main thought was: what the actual fuck happens when we die, though?

I mean, there were other thoughts and worries that made my stomach churn, but this was the centerpiece from which they all stemmed. Whatever else I was worried about could be traced directly back to this main dilemma.

I sat there grappling with it a bit, and then I decided to let it go. There was nothing I could do about that particular existential worry, so best to enjoy the very alive moment I was in—eating salad with a spoon.

That’s the thing, right? Everything is impermanent, the joys and the sorrows, and we really don’t have control over most things anyway, so we may as well dig in and try to find the humor, the love, the beauty, and the grace in each moment that we possibly can.

So, I have a story for you.

I hope it gives you as much humor as it gave me. It wasn’t funny right away, but I laughed my ass off when it was over, and I told Luanne about it. If you’re someone who gets offended when I talk about my body parts, maybe skip this one.

Last week I was in my kitchen, making dinner.

As I was waiting for the water to boil for my pasta, my butt had a random itch. Now, this wasn’t an innocent little butt cheek itch, no no. This was a full-on itch smack dab in my butthole. So, I reached around to the outside of my shorts (come on, I wasn’t going to make direct contact), I dug deep, and I scratched.

I had successfully tended to the butthole itch, but because I was on my period and wearing a cloth pad, my underwear needed adjusting after the scratch in order for my pad to lay in the right spot. So, I reached around again, and I tugged on my underwear as I did a little jiggle with my hips to get everything back into place.

This was all fine. We’re human, we have moments. Sometimes our buttholes itch and our cloth pad gets in a wonky position after the scratch. But I was about to find out that this wasn’t a private human moment that I was having.

After the itch / underwear adjustment ordeal, I turned around and there stood a man and his dog looking directly at me through our front screen door. I turned bright red with embarrassment because I knew he had seen the whole thing go down (or should I say in). He looked like he wanted to haul ass and leave, but he was frozen with the regret of very bad timing.

Instead of saying anything to each other, we gave the universal human-to-human look that says:

Let’s live in denial and both pretend that didn't just happen. Cool? Cool.

When the awkward silence was too unbearable to handle, I said, “Hi,” and asked if he needed something. He said he was a friend of the previous owner’s son and he thought his friend’s parents still lived here. He and his dog had stopped by to say hi. I told him they no longer lived here and he said thanks and started to walk away.

Now, instead of saying goodbye and moving on like a regular person, I started awkwardly asking him random questions that I had no interest in knowing the answers to.

“Your dog is cute, what kind is it?”
Molly, stop it. 

“Do you live in the neighborhood?”
Molly, for the love of avocados, stop talking and CLOSE THE CONVO. 

“Oh, how long have you lived on Maui?”
For fucks sake, he just saw you dig your butthole. SHUT IT DOWN. 

“Do you want me to tell the previous owners you stopped by?”
Molllllllllllly, if he wanted that he would have asked. You got this good buddy, just say goodbye.

He halfheartedly answered my questions as he walked away from my porch. I didn’t really hear the answers. I didn’t care. He didn't care. I went back and finished making dinner. Luanne came in from gardening. I told her the story and we both laughed until our stomachs hurt and tears streamed down our cheeks.

I don’t know what happens when we die, but I do know that I love being alive. And I don’t know why death would be any different.

Today, I’m sharing a session of Qigong that my good friend CarolAnn guided me through. It’s an amazing practice, and I felt totally calm and grounded when we were done. This was part of our Wellness Hour series when it was up, and now it will live on our blog so everyone can benefit from it.

I’ll see you over here where you can also pick up today’s free recipe for a delicious plant based creamy cheesy pumpkin sauce, just in time for Halloween.


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Written by ex-boozer and ex-smoker, Molly Patrick that will
help you eat more plants while throwing perfection down
the garbage disposal.


Not for those offended by the F word.