January 2, 2021 by Molly Patrick
Joke's on me
Have you ever worn a bodysuit, the type that looks like a swimsuit, but you wear it under a pair of pants?
I bought one a couple of years ago, and it hasn’t left my closet since its arrival. I decided to try it on the other night because I got a cute pair of second-hand Levi’s for Christmas, and I thought it would make a fab outfit.
First, I tried simply stepping into the bodysuit and pulling it up over my body. No go. My hips would not allow it. Fair enough.
Lucky for me (?), this bodysuit had a snap crotch, so I unsnapped that sucker and got to work. I placed the suit over my head, and wrestled it down my body. The tight, unforgiving material paired with my boobs did not make this an easy task.
My boobs flipped and flopped and turned and squished until the suit was finally over them. My right boob was pretty secure and in its place, my left boob, being much bigger than my right, was spilling up and out and partying in every direction.
I figured I would circle back to the boob situation once the whole thing was attached to my body. I pulled and yanked until the bottom part of the bodysuit was over my belly and butt. With the bodysuit half heartedly covering all of my various parts, I was in the final stretch: crotch territory.
I took the boob-side crotch snaps in one hand, the butt-side crotch snaps in the other hand, and brought them together to meet in the middle. I then fumbled around for 10 real minutes in my crotch, trying to make the two sides snap together.
Let’s pause right here. I don’t know the extent of your experience with snap crotches, but mine is limited.
OMG I have so many questions.
Mainly how and why? But also, who in fuck came up with this idea? Not only is it 99.99% impossible to snap together due to the obvious fact that you can’t see the very small snaps, but who in the world wants to own an item that’s difficult to figure out because your crotch is in the way?
I mean, jokes on me because I bought the thing, but I will not be fooled again.
With half of the snaps finally secure, I called it a win and moved on to sort out the left boob. I did the best I could with that but soon accepted that boob spillage was inevitable regardless of how much time I gave to adjustments. Right boob was still good.
When everything was as in place as it was going to get, I put on my jeans and walked over to the mirror. First of all, my hair was a mess, I was sweating, my left boob was spilling out, and there were red splotches on my chest from trying to contain said boob.
But worse than that?
Every time I took a step, it felt like there was an actual Tonka truck making its way into my crotch.
Nope. Can’t do it. I immediately took off my jeans and started the long and arduous process of removing the demon suit from my body.
Happy New Year, my friend, may 2021 be free of complicated clothing choices.
I may not be able to guide you on fashion, but if you want to eat more plants this year, I have you covered (unlike any bodysuit you will ever find). Every Friday, me and the CFDG team release a brand new meal plan in our amazing classroom that gives you an exact blueprint for what to buy and cook for dinner depending on how many people you're cooking for and what they want to eat.
No more wondering what’s for dinner.
No more rice and bean rut.
No more winging it and trying to figure it out on your own.
Below is a menu poster of this week’s meal plan that I will be following, right along with our subscribers.
Do you want to join the plant party?
I'll meet you over to tell you everything you need to know. And if you have questions (about our plant based meal plans or how long it took me to take of my body suit), reply to this email.
Here's to more plants and fewer bodysuits.
Get the weekly Sweary Saturday Love Letter like what you've read above
Written by ex-boozer and ex-smoker, Molly Patrick that will
help you eat more plants while throwing perfection down
the garbage disposal.
SIGN UP BELOW
Not for those offended by the F word.