Self-sabotage—why we do it and how to 🛑

When we truly want to do something but keep putting it off or making excuses, we are engaging in self-defeating behavior. This is also called self-sabotage. I’ve never liked that term because it sounds dramatic and very serious. Plus, anytime I hear the word “sabotage” I get the Beastie Boys stuck in my head.

So let’s stick to calling it “self-defeating behavior.” That sounds more manageable to overcome—and it totally is. I’ll show you how.

We self-defeat (yep, myself included) because doing new things is scary AF. Even if it’s something we used to do but haven’t done for a while, it’s still scary. Humans are wired for consistency and predictability, not for diverging from routine. Like many other human instincts, it’s a survival mechanism for our perceived safety. High fives for having a human experience!

When we don’t do the things we really want to do because we’re afraid of failing, the hilarious irony is that we end up failing anyway, just a lot faster.

For example, if you really want to try Clean Food Dirty Girl and eat more plants, but you’re afraid you won’t follow through, what happens when you don’t try? You don’t follow through before you even try.

If you really want to try yoga or start running, but you're afraid you’ll quit after the first week, what happens when you don’t try? You quit before the first week.

Aren’t we funny creatures? We create the exact result we’re afraid of without ever doing the thing we wanted to do in the first place. And we’re too busy being afraid of what ifs to even see what we’ve done! In other words, fear of failure makes us fail before we start.

If you’re feeling stuck in the self-defeat spiral and you’re ready to put one foot in front of the next, ask yourself these two powerful questions:

1. If I did this, even if I took baby steps, what’s the worst that could happen?
This helps because you will see A) you’re probably already creating the worst thing that could happen by not doing the thing, and B) the worst thing probably isn’t the end of the world. You can totally handle the worst thing. You likely already are.

2. If I did this, what’s the best thing that could happen? 
Answer this question with as much detail as possible. This will help you see that the benefits of what you want outweigh your fears.

The next step is to start noticing your thoughts when you’re considering not taking action. Here are some common thoughts that keep us stuck:

• I can’t do this
• I’m not good at establishing new routines
• What’s the point, it won’t last anyway
• I’m not worthy
• I’m not good enough
• It hasn’t worked in the past
• I’m doomed
• Who am I to do this