136: The Beauty in Acceptance: Finding Strength in Impermanence

In this episode, I talk about something that always grounds me when life gets hard: The reminder that everything is impermanent. Whether you’re navigating grief, uncertainty, change, or big emotions, this idea has the power to soften the edges and bring a sense of peace and release.

I share how I’ve learned to sit with discomfort instead of buffering it away. And I unpack how accepting the ever-changing nature of life doesn’t mean we have to like what’s happening, but it does free us from added suffering.

If you’re going through something (and let’s face it, most of us are), this episode might just be the exhale you didn’t know you needed.

Helpful links

• Love Letter: I thought this was a harsh response
• Love Letter: I was beautifully mistaken
• Love Letter: Perfectly Normal

Transcript (auto-generated, may have grammar errors)

Hey there, this is the Clean Food Dirty Girl podcast. Thank you for joining me for today’s episode.

I usually record these solo podcast episodes as audio only. I never record myself on video for these types of episodes. I typically only do a video version of the podcast when I have guests on, since we’re doing an interview and the video is on. Honestly, one of the things I really liked about doing the podcast before I started having guests was that I could just do it in my pajamas, at any time—middle of the night, super early, or super late—without worrying about lighting, background, or looking presentable. I’ve always done it that way, but I’m going to try to do more videos so our friends on YouTube can also benefit from the podcast. We can’t really do that if it’s audio only, so bear with me as I get through this first solo video version of the podcast.

Today, I wanted to talk a little bit about having big feelings and what I do—specifically, a thought I go to—when I’m in a situation that feels big, scary, challenging, or sad. These are things we all feel as humans from time to time. I want to share my go-to for coping with them, supporting myself, and connecting with myself.

One thing we tend to do, and it’s easy as humans, is try to make hard feelings go away. Sometimes that’s through eating—a lot of times, actually. It’s a big thing I coach people through in our Drop It, our Plant Powered Weight Loss Club: understanding why you eat when you’re not hungry. A big part of that is because eating is a very quick way to get rid of challenging emotions. It’s temporary, for sure, but it’s easy. If I’m feeling really bad and I eat cookies, of course I’ll feel better—momentarily. But it’s not just food; it can be alcohol, shopping, sex, social media, exercise—there are so many things. In the coaching world, when you engage in an activity to avoid feeling something, we call that buffering. It happens to everyone, but most people aren’t aware of it.

Last night, I was going to bed and thinking about something coming up for me that’s challenging, sad, and almost scary. I was just sitting with it, thinking, “Okay, what do I do when I feel this way? Let me look at my tool belt. What do I have?” It was 10 o’clock at night, I was already in bed, I wasn’t going to get up to eat, I don’t drink anymore, I don’t do drugs, and I don’t write at night. So there weren’t a lot of options. I thought, “How can I get through this?”

One of my go-to thoughts when I’m going through challenging times—whether it’s a big thing or a small thing—is to come back to the idea that everything is impermanent and everything is always changing. The nature of life is that it changes; things come and go. This thought brings me a lot of comfort.

I asked my partner if she had any go-to thoughts that comfort her when she’s having a strong feeling or big emotion. She thought about it and said she didn’t really think so. She asked me if I did, and I told her what I just told you. She said, “Wow, that is not comforting for me at all. That’s actually scary to think about—everything changing and being impermanent.” I found that interesting. Why do I find comfort in that idea, while someone else finds fear in it?

I realized that when I think to myself, “Impermanence is the way of it. This is a rule, a law, just what it is,” it’s like gravity. Gravity exists whether we like it or not; we can be neutral about it, but it’s just the way it is. Impermanence is guaranteed because nothing is stagnant. There’s always some amount of movement, even when we feel stuck. On a micro level, there’s a lot happening, and if you zoom out, there’s a lot happening too. We’re never really stuck, and nothing ever stays the same while we’re alive. That’s just not how life works. By recognizing that, there’s a kind of acceptance that happens in my mind about the challenging thing.

Change is hard for humans, even if it’s change we want, know is good for us, or needs to happen. It can still be hard and scary. When I accept that to be alive is to be part of change—always, always, always—and that life is always moving and changing, it helps me accept reality. It helps me accept what’s actually happening, whether it’s wonderful and happy or hard and scary. Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to like it, be happy about it, or not try to change it. It just means you’re honoring what is. You’re not trying to make reality something it’s not.

For example, if a Post-It note is pink, I’m not going to be upset and wish it were green. I’m just acknowledging, “This Post-It is pink. That’s what it is.”

Accepting the nature of change in life brings a certain amount of peace and release. When I accept a situation for what it is, I can then feel sad, angry, or in pain about it if I want. I can feel anything I want about it, but it doesn’t have that added layer of trying to make it something else. When you try to make it different, make it go away, or fight against it, that adds another layer of suffering on top of the challenging emotions.

That’s much harder, because you’re not only feeling sad about what’s happening, but also angry that it’s not different, or in pain that it’s not the way you want it to be. Sadness, pain, anger—all those things are part of life because we’re human. That’s unavoidable. But we don’t have to add suffering on top of those emotions. We can take away that layer of suffering and just allow ourselves to feel pure, simple sadness for the situation, without wishing it were different or being angry that it’s happening.

If I can take off that additional layer of suffering that comes from not accepting reality—pushing against it, wishing it were different, having expectations that don’t match what’s happening—that’s not going to help. It only makes us feel worse. When we allow the situation to be what it is, it doesn’t mean we condone it, like it, or never do anything about it. The first step is to see what’s happening, acknowledge it, and then feel however we want about it. If we want to try to do something about it, we can. Maybe we have some say over it, maybe we don’t. But until we allow ourselves to feel whatever emotions we need to process, we’ll be stuck.

Only after we’ve allowed ourselves to grieve, mourn, feel sad, or whatever we need to do about a circumstance we can’t change, can we ask, “Is there some way I can show up? How do I want to show up? Is there something I can do to make a difference? Or is it just out of my hands?” If it’s totally out of my control, how can I find some joy in my life anyway? When we have that added layer of suffering, it’s much harder to feel energized or like we have agency. With that extra suffering, it’s like we’re at the mercy of whatever it is.

That thought—life is change, life is always changing, things don’t remain the same, time keeps moving—is how I ground myself in reality. I can accept reality. I’m not always going to like it, and accepting a circumstance doesn’t mean I’m totally fine with it. It just means, “This is what it is.” From that point, I can just be sad about it. That’s what I did last night. I had the thought, “This is life. Things come and go, life is always changing.” I allowed myself to feel sad, to feel it in my body, and to let it be there. Then the sadness moved on. I didn’t suffer; I was sad, but that was okay. Being sad sometimes is okay. Being angry sometimes is okay. Being happy is okay. These are all just different emotions, but the suffering is what makes it really hard and makes you feel stuck. When you process emotion, that’s when things start to move. But when you’re stuck in suffering, the emotions don’t process and you feel terrible.

I’ve talked about this before, especially in the early days of the podcast. If you want to hear more about these topics, you can go back to previous episodes. Even though I’ve had a lot of guests on lately and we’ve been talking about plant-based stuff, at the end of the day, I’m still a life coach and a weight loss coach. I coach myself all the time, and these are really good reminders for people, regardless of what you’re going through. It’s just the human condition. We’re going to go through challenging things and times, things we don’t like, things that are painful, scary, and big. How do we get through those things without being completely overwhelmed, so we don’t end up in a pile on the floor, stuffing potato chips and ice cream in our mouths? Sometimes that might be appropriate, and it’s not a horrible thing if it happens, but what happens in our life as a result? Does it make our life harder if that’s our go-to, if we keep doing it time and time again?

Remember, your feelings aren’t because of the circumstances in your life. Your feelings happen because of the thoughts you’re thinking about those circumstances. This is really important because it allows us to have agency and stay empowered. For me, the thought that everything is impermanent and everything is changing is key. There might have been a situation I loved and was happy in, but it doesn’t stay. Life changes. Maybe that situation isn’t as easy or happy anymore. That’s life—it changes. And a situation that’s really hard will also change, because life is always changing. It goes both ways. Sometimes, impermanence can be a blessing.

For example, when my sister died, being in that grief and sadness right after she died was so hard, but also beautiful in many ways. And it was impermanent. I still miss her every day and love her so much, but I’m not in that raw grief like I was right after she died. That’s because things change. Life is impermanent; it’s always changing.

When things are really hard, keep in mind that things won’t always be this hard. Things will look different. When things are really happy, it’s good to really enjoy and appreciate them, because things change. When we accept that this is the nature and reality of life, we get to have whatever feelings we want about it, and it’s okay. We can feel whatever it is without wishing it were different or being angry that it isn’t something else. Trying to resist change or wishing it weren’t happening only adds suffering.

Suffering comes up when we have an expectation that something should be different than it is—when we want something that’s not there or don’t want something that is. When we’re not willing to accept what’s happening, that’s when suffering arises. This takes practice. I wasn’t taught this until I went through coach training in my forties, but it’s so empowering to learn. When you see a situation for what it is, you get to feel sad about it, and then that sadness can process out and you can feel something else.

This is just one tool I come back to. I think it’s important in life to have a good tool belt you can draw from and use. In our Drop It Plant Powered Weight Loss Club, I give people lots of tools, because the whole idea is about getting through life and its challenges without eating more than we need, which can create health challenges. Overeating when you’re not hungry will eventually cause excess weight, and that’s a form of suffering in itself, with health conditions and everything else that comes with it. For most people, it’s not necessary. But how do you deal with life when it’s hard and challenging without trying to make it go away? I talk a lot about this in our Drop It Club. It’s about food, but it’s also much more than food. It’s about why we make the decisions we do and how we can make different decisions that support us. I give people a lot of tools in my coaching, but whatever your tools are, have them handy and ready to go, because life is intense. That’s guaranteed. And it’s beautiful at the same time.

I’m so happy to be alive, and I recognize the challenges, heartache, heartbreak, and the messiness of it. I also recognize the beauty in little moments—seeing my cat, going outside at night and looking at the moon, hearing the breeze in the palm trees outside my window. All those little moments are so important. Having a full human experience is a beautiful thing, and it doesn’t have to come with suffering. You can practice that, and you can also practice filling your tool belt with useful tools so that when you go through challenging times, you can get through it, support yourself, stay strong, healthy, and grounded.

I hope you enjoyed this episode. Thank you for listening, and I hope you go eat lots of plants and practice accepting what is. It’ll change your life.