By Molly Patrick
Feb 23, 2014,
There are two types of blonde people: those who get tanned and those who don’t.
There are also the people who are not blonde or tanned but they try their luck at it anyway. To those people I ask, do you color your pubic hair for consistency? <—— not being sarcastic.
I had a friend once when I was little who had super blonde hair, the kind of blonde that had no dishwater in it, only blonde. In the summer we would play by the river and by the end of one day her skin looked like it was kissed perfectly by the sun. A few weeks after that her skin was the color of a UPS truck and her hair was nearly platinum.
I, on the other hand was either ghost white from diligent sunscreen application or bright red, like the nose of mother fucking Rudolph, because I too wanted to be tanned but WHO GETS TANNED WHILE WEARING SPF 5000?
Here’s the thing:
What is it with tanned blonde people?
They’re always the ones who do crazy cool shit like make sail boats by hand and sail around the world, build their own houses from mud and empty wine bottles and drive cars that they’ve single-handedly engineered to run on trash. I’m pretty sure they sometimes hang out with Johnny Depp and Jeff Bridges and they for sure make their own hooch.
Also, now that I’m thinking about it, the cool tanned blondies always wear some type of rope or leather thing around their head and it looks damn good. If I wore a fucking rope around my head people would treat me really nice and hold the door for me because I look so “special”.
And feathers. Why the hell can tanned blondes sport dirty ass bird feathers and make it look like something out of a Free People catalog? I could never pull that shit off.
I may have the hair color, but I have never been tanned in my life (not even that one time when I used a tanning bed. Instead, I had red splotches on my skin for over a week because I was allergic to the oil that the lady firmly suggested I use. Something like that would NEVER happen to tanned blondes. I’m pretty sure that they don’t even fart and, if they do, it smells of peaches).
The recipe below for a vegan sour cream is something that some cool tanned blonde person would probably come up with but I came up with it first, HA!
Make it, love it, comment about it and share it with your friends.
Put it on burritos, top your baked or steamed potatoes, slather your nachos, spoon it on your chili, put it on whatever you would normally put sour cream on (and the next time you see a cool tanned blonde person, take a picture, jump over to Twitter or Instagram and tag #cooltannedblonde. Let’s see where this goes. It’s bound to get good).
Ingredients
- ½ cup cashews 75g, soaked in water for 1-2 hours
- 2 cups cauliflower 235g, cut into pieces. They don’t have to be bite-sized since they will eventually be blended .
- 2 teaspoons rice vinegar
- ½ teaspoon sea salt
- ¼ cup water
Instructions
- Place the cauliflower in a pan along with 1 cup of water and bring to a boil. Turn down heat and simmer for 10 minutes. Turn off heat, drain and set aside.
- Drain the water from the cashews and place in a blender along with the cauliflower, rice vinegar, sea salt and water.
- Blend for several minutes until the mixture is creamy and smooth.
- Refrigerate.
25 Comments
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I love this post…. you’re too funny. I am a brunette, I do tan pretty easily. Those beautiful cool blondes make me crazy with their ropes and feathers!!! HA! Thanks for the recipe.
Glad someone feels me on this! Let me know how it turns out. xo
You are hilarious. I just came across your page today but I KNOW it won’t be the last time I look. Thanks for the recipe and the laughs
Hey Sara! Thanks for the love! If you haven’t already, sign up for my Saturday emails. They are filled with more witty banter and recipes ( I mainly make fun of myself and tell embarrassing stories and then give an awesome vegan recipe out) xo https://cleanfooddirtygirl.com/signup/
Molly, Again, you have me loling!!! You are a great writer, I love your stories and your facts about food! Thank you so much for writing these interesting facts and funnies! I try to read one when I get a spare moment, someday I will get caught up and read them all! Going to make this recipe as soon as my cauliflower is ready for picking!
Thanks!
Jules
Thanks Jules!
Rock on and enjoy the plant powered sour cream!
xo
Molly
This post is amazing. I was that super platinum blonde child who got crazy tanned every summer – but I have to admit – I’ve never done anything super rad or even remotely rad, really. This post has called my entire existence into question. #notcooltannedblonde
lol – every rule has an exception.
We can be not cool together 😉
xo
Molly
Could you use sesame seeds, almonds or walnuts in place of cashews?
Laurie, almonds should work for this recipe. Let us know how it goes if you try it!
xo
Meghann
Team Dirty Girl
I used almonds and I liked it!
Awesome! Glad to hear it Laurie. 🙂
Meghann
Team Dirty Girl
Super easy and tasty. I also love the added bonus of getting more veggies in my diet. I added a little bit of lemon juice after chilling to give it more of a tangy flavor. Thanks for helping me to make eating a vegan diet such a yummy adventure!
Oh my God, Molly. You crack me up over and over again! How did I miss this post until now?
Signed, “The Uncool Brunette who always wanted to wear a leather head band with a feather hanging down the back but ended up wearing bandanas”, Margie
I love you even more now!
lol
Molly
Ok so first I absolutely love you, your writing resonates with me and makes me lol so thank you, for well being true to your best self! Question do you have a suggestion to sub cashews (nut allergy ?) I’ve tried sunflowers to sub in some sauces and find it way to nutty tasting and not palatable.
Hi Leauna, Thanks for this message for Molly! As far as the nut allergy, alternatives to sunflower seeds would be hemp seeds, tofu or white beans or a mix of any of these. For instance, you could use 1/2 sunflower and 1/2 hemp, or 1/2 sunflower and 1/2 white beans to see if either combo is more palatable than all sunflower seeds. If not, then maybe try going for all hemp, or tofu, or white beans on their own. Each has its own flavor profile and, of course, beans will give a different texture/mouthfeel because they are much lower in fat. It will take some experimenting to find out which flavor/texture you prefer from a substitution standpoint. Hope this helps! ~Karen
Hi, How long should this last in the fridge? Thanks!
Hi Elizabeth, most likely 3-5 days. ~Karen
How does this taste like sour cream?? It may be voodoo magic but I’ll eat it anyway. So so good on a baked potato.
my favorite sour cream ever! I boil the cashew with the cauliflower and strain.
I am amazed!! It was so delicious! I’ve tried other cashew sour cream recipes before and I expected this to taste like a grainy/”granola” version – you know, it “tastes healthy.” The dreaded veiled insult to vegan food everywhere. I put a gigantic scoop on top of a burrito bowl and just went to town. My go-to from now on for sure. I ended up having to add extra water to get it to blend (mostly because my blender sucks), so I added a little extra vinegar to balance it out, and I took the suggestion of a few commenters and added a few squeezes of lemon juice to brighten it, too (and also boiled the cashews and cauliflower together for ease). Perfect. Sorry for writing a novella!
Just found this, so I hope someone reads it…. Can I use frozen cauliflower instead of fresh? If so, any additional tips?
You sure can! Love this recipe, hope you do too!
Sounds great! I came to this page from another recipe that uses the vegan sour cream, and I’m laughing. I’m blonde, previously super white blonde but kind of dishwater-ish now if I don’t get highlights or get in the Sun-and I get pretty well tanned, though I haven’t been out in the sun for years (smarter now after five smallish skin cancer removals from my face and scars). I’m nothing like what is described. I wish! Well, a few things, maybe, but that feather thing, nope. ?